Let me just clarify something. Right here. Right now. Before I go any further. I. Love. My. Job.
Every day I have these wonderful opportunities to work alongside brilliant people and support them to the best of my abilities. It isn’t always easy, sometimes I don’t sleep very well because I am thinking of all the ways I could be better but there is always a small part of me that is saying ouch!
Today, I felt the ouch acutely. I was asked whether I am still clinical. I can not explain how much I love the hands-on aspect of being a medic. My medical connections reading this will understand that feeling when you go to a job and the surge of adrenaline that you get and the eerie feeling of extreme calm that seems to go with it. Weird I know, but there it is. But, today I mourned those days with that one simple question. Are you still clinical? Because if I am being brutally honest with myself, then the answer is no, I am not. My job has metamorphosed into something different, something I love, but my hands no longer need gloves.
I get it, you are thinking I am a bit dark and a bit weird and you are probably right. But, that feeling of all your training kicking in and the muscle memory waking up and taking over when you begin your initial assessments is like no other feeling. You become methodical and follow process, always with your mind and eyes ready for the next thing and your hand reaching for the next piece of med kit that you will need to continue assessing and treating your patient.
So, when I reflect on no longer being fully clinical I get sad. I ask myself how I am contributing to the world. How am I making the world a better place by my actions? Have I managed to contribute to the return of a loved one to their family and friends? Did listening make that difference? Have I helped someone access the definitive care that they need to change their life? Did I hold a hand whilst someone passed away? So, the answer to all of those things is no. I no longer do that. It has me questioning whether I am leaving this world just a little bit better than how I found it because surely taking a step back means that I am not having an impact anymore.
I have no answers. I feel like a piece of me is missing and I know that it is unlikely that I will get it back. So, how do I move on and get through my professional crisis of confidence? Good question, well presented!
But….I finish as I started. I. Love. My. Job.